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that you call the local Salvation Army, Goodwill, or whatever charity and
report your mark for stealing out of the organization's pickup boxes. Report
the mark by his auto license number. Say you work at one of the stores near
the collection box and you've seen the mark rob the box several times. You
can also report this "crime" to the police.
Cheese
It's tried and true, but I bet you haven't heard of it since you were a
kid. This one came from Alabama, the old Limburger-cheese-on-the
muffler-of-a-new-car trick. The exhaust manifold works well, too, as a
surface for a cheese spread. Or you can simply place some of the same
substance behind a radiator in a home or office. Once it's burned on, the
smelly sour effect can last for weeks, despite robust cleaning efforts.
Child Abuse
I heard a real horror story recently where a truly evil-minded teenager
[Hmmm...] swore to child-abuse officers in her county that her parents beat
her. They hadn't and didn't. Never mind; the bureaucrats came bouncing
out of the woodwork, and the harried parents had to appear in court to
defend themselves against the lies of a teenager with mental problems
[Hmmm II...]. The parents were looked upon as villains, even though the
judge dismissed the charges as unfounded. Their attorney (yes, they had to
hire one to fight government persecution) advised them against a jury trial
because they'd lose on the emotionalism of the issue, regardless of the facts.
Nice.
All this leads up to the fact that you can report your mark as a child-
abuse offender. Acting as a "concerned neighbor," you can tell the
authorities. The hassle is unreal. After you've done this, a few anonymous
letters to the mark's employer about the "child-abuse thing" will help out.
CIA
Your mark might have sneaky points you never thought about. For
example, maybe your mark would make a good CIA employee. You could
easily find out. Write a letter of application to the agency using your mark's
name. The agency get hundreds of letters from would-be action agents, such
as unemployed gangsters, karate freaks, ex-soldiers, Walter Mitty types, etc.
I doubt that they take many of these seriously, but they might be interested
in talking with a highly qualified technical person, such as an analyst, area
expert, journalist with oodles of foreign experience, language expert, or
economist. Advanced college degrees and military service abroad as an
officer are fine credentials for your mark. Make up a good solid
background. It is probably illegal for you to make a false application in your
mark's name using phony credentials.
Send resumes to: Personnel Representative
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, D.C. 20505
You can also send in an application in your mark's name for a CIA job
at the field office in the nearest city. Yes, they are listed in the telephone
book.
Classified Ads
Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive
little bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark's psyche if properly
aimed. For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy
neighbors. You could insert a classified ad to "sell" their automobile. Price
it five hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after
midnight (shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad
that quick cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone
calls.
You can also put your mark's house up for sale. Again, ask potential
customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to the
mark.
The "personals" in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe
your mark ought to advertise for "young boy and girl models to pose for 'art'
pictures." You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return
calls, whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.
Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the
phone, and most of the ad people I've talked to say they rarely verify a
classified ad. Take a tip from that and don't make it outlandish. As with any
practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]